Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. A lack of empathy is a red flag.
Empathy plays a critical role in fostering healthy relationships, whether in a church community, workplace, family, or friends.
It is prudent to understand that some individuals may struggle to display empathy, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Worse yet, this particular lack of empathy may signal an abusive personality. In this post, we’ll explore how to spot such individuals through fictional stories that illustrate their behavior in different contexts.
WHAT IT MAY SOUND LIKE ...
In Church
Imagine a church setting where a member, Sarah, is sharing her struggle with anxiety during a prayer meeting. She opens up about her feelings of isolation and fear. Instead of offering support, another member, Tom, interrupts her and starts talking about his achievements and how he overcame similar issues. Tom’s inability to connect with Sarah’s feelings shows a lack of empathy. He shifts the focus away from her pain to his own experiences, demonstrating disinterest in her emotional state.
Key Indicators:
- Interrupting others when they share their feelings.
- Focusing the conversation on themselves rather than offering support.
- Dismissing or minimizing someone’s struggles.
- Using scripture or religious beliefs to shame and humilate
At the Workplace
In a bustling office environment, consider the story of Alex, who has been working hard on a project, critical for his team. After facing numerous challenges, he approaches his supervisor, Linda, to discuss his stress and seek guidance. Instead of listening, Linda reacts by saying, “Everyone else is handling their workload just fine; you need to toughen up.” Her response not only dismisses Alex’s feelings but also creates an environment where employees feel unsupported.
Key Indicators:
- Criticizing or shaming others for expressing vulnerability.
- Showing indifference to employees’ struggles and stresses.
- Promoting a competitive atmosphere over collaboration and support.
- Taking credit for someone else’s work
In Your Family
Consider the case of Emily, who recently lost her job. When she shares this news with her parents during a family dinner, they respond by saying things like, “You should have seen this coming,” or “You need to find a job quickly; we can’t help you forever.” Their reaction lacks any warmth or understanding of Emily’s situation. Instead of providing comfort, they focus on her perceived shortcomings, indicating a lack of empathy.
Key Indicators:
- Offering unsolicited advice instead of emotional support.
- Focusing on blame rather than understanding.
- Reacting with frustration instead of compassion during difficult times.
- Forbidding negative emotions.
Among Friends
Picture a scenario where Jenna has just experienced a breakup. She seeks comfort from her friend Mia, who instead of listening and offering support, keeps bringing up her romantic successes. Mia frequently says things like, “At least you didn’t have to deal with what I went through last month!” This behavior not only invalidates Jenna’s feelings but also highlights Mia’s inability to empathize with her friend’s pain.
Key Indicators:
- Constantly redirecting conversations to their own experiences.
- Making comparisons that undermine the other person’s feelings.
- Displaying impatience or annoyance when someone shares their struggles.
- Expecting you to change your plans to suit their schedule – often.
Recognizing individuals who struggle to exhibit empathy can help us navigate our relationships more effectively. Whether in a church setting, at work, within our families, or among friends, being aware of these behaviors allows us to set boundaries and seek healthier interactions.
While it’s essential to understand that everyone has their battles, consistently lacking empathy can harm relationships and create distance. By identifying these signs early on, we can better protect our emotional well-being and foster more supportive connections in our lives.
If you are uncertain about the health of one or more of your relationships, ask yourself if they show you empathy. If they are not showing you empathy, consider what your boundaries need to be in that relationship.
“Why am I willing to cross an ocean for them, when they aren’t willing to jump a puddle for me?”
THE HIDDEN TRAUMA
When we don’t notice that others are taking us for granted, or we are actively trying to please others who have already made up their minds about us, we are living out of our hidden trauma.
This hidden trauma is a result of being ignored, punished, and blamed for having needs. Childhood trauma is behind much of this as the child is programmed by busy, stressed parents, that their needs are not as important as the needs of the parents. Remember the old saying, “Children are to be seen and not heard?” How cruel is that? Yet, many of the parents who are not meeting the needs, as they naturally should, were raised by this cultural belief.
The goal in recognizing hidden trauma behaviors is not to blame anyone for the trauma we experience. It’s to understand that trauma has happened, why it happened, and how to reverse the damage so that we can heal.
Start by noticing what is missing. Empathy is the first step in healing because it is the first thing you have permission to give to yourself. Traumatized people have been programmed to make excuses for everyone else – except for them. If you have been scapegoated, then you have been brainwashed to believe that you are the cause of all the ills in the world.
Keep noticing …
Stay curious … Educate yourself to learn what you never knew. You get to do that.