10 Quick Tips for Recognizing Healthy Conversations That Foster Strong Relationships at Home and Elsewhere.
Understand what abuse is versus painful reactions due to hidden traumas.
Healthy relationships require time and effort, much like a tree that thrives with a robust root system. To ensure steady and strong growth in a relationship, it’s essential to nurture all aspects, starting from the roots and extending upward. Just as a tree needs care at its foundation to flourish, so too do relationships need attention at every level for them to thrive.
Not all relationships are healthy, and some may not be salvageable. There are instances when a person’s ‘root system’ is compromised, leading to harmful behaviors. Determining whether it’s worth the time and effort to continue in a relationship relies heavily on the willingness and commitment of those involved. Are they open to learning? Are they making an effort to grow?
It’s important to recognize how the dynamics can differ. How abuse might manifest versus a pain response from hidden trauma, and how to respond, is next:
Here is a list of ten tips for enhancing communication, along with guidance for distinguishing between normal interactions, abusive behaviors without remorse, and painful reactions stemming from unrecognized trauma.
TIP 1
ACTIVE LISTENING
Pay attention and acknowledge your partner’s feelings without interrupting. BE CURIOUS about understanding what they are trying to communicate without making assumptions.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abuse Manifestation: An abuser may dismiss or belittle their partner’s feelings, making them feel unheard or invalidated.
- Response: If you feel dismissed, seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals who can help you validate your experience.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Signs: The person may seem overwhelmed, anxious, or defensive when discussing feelings and may inadvertently dismiss their partner’s emotions.
- Healthy Response: Gently encourage them to express their feelings by asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been bothering you?” Show patience and understanding while they articulate their thoughts.
TIP 2
USE "I" STATEMENTS (NOT "WE", "US", OR "YOU"
Express feelings using “I” statements to avoid blame. Don’t assume that your partner is on the same page as you. Own your opinion, allow them to give you feedback that may or may not agree with your perspective.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abuse Manifestation: The abuser may twist “I” statements to manipulate or blame their partner, making them feel guilty for expressing themselves.
- Response: If your expressions are met with manipulation, consider documenting your feelings and seeking counseling to navigate these conversations safely.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Signs: They may struggle to communicate their feelings without blaming others, indicating a lack of emotional awareness or past trauma.
- Healthy Response: Model the use of “I” statements yourself and explain how they can help clarify feelings. For example, say, “I feel [emotion] when [situation]. It might help to express how you’re feeling this way too.”
TIP 3
STAY ON TOPIC
Focus on the current issue without bringing up past grievances. Avoid the ‘weeds’ or chasing squirrels when communicating.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abuse Manifestation: An abuser might derail the conversation by bringing up unrelated issues or past grievances to deflect blame.
- Response: Recognize this pattern and set firm boundaries. If needed, disengage from the conversation and seek support.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Signs: They may frequently shift topics or bring up past issues due to unresolved pain or fear of being vulnerable.
- Healthy Response: Acknowledge their feelings and gently steer the conversation back by saying something like, “I understand that this is hard for you. Can we focus on what’s bothering you right now?”
TIP 4
TAKE BREAKS IF NEEDED
If the conversation gets heated, take a short break to cool down. Sometimes it’s necessary to say, “Can we take a break on this? I need to think through a few things or identify what I’m feeling right now.”
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abuse Manifestation: An abuser may use breaks as a tactic to avoid accountability or control the timing of discussions.
- Response: If you feel controlled, establish your own boundaries for breaks. If necessary, find a safe space to talk to someone about your feelings.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Signs: They may frequently shift topics or bring up past issues due to unresolved pain or fear of being vulnerable.
- Healthy Response: Acknowledge their feelings and gently steer the conversation back by saying something like, “I understand that this is hard for you. Can we focus on what’s bothering you right now?”
TIP 5
PRACTICE EMPATHY
Try to understand your partner’s perspective and feelings. Notice what is the most important right now, for you to be heard? Or your partner? Check your priorities and notice what you give – and what you receive.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abuse Manifestation: The abuser may show false empathy to manipulate their partner, making it seem like they care while continuing harmful behaviors.
- Response: Trust your instincts. If empathy feels insincere or is followed by abusive actions, seek help from a support group or professional.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Signs: They may struggle with empathy themselves due to their own pain, leading to a lack of understanding of their partner’s feelings.
- Healthy Response: Share your perspective and emphasize that you understand they might be going through a tough time. Use phrases like, “I can see that you’re really hurting right now; I want to support you in this.”
TIP 6
SET ASIDE TIME FOR CHECK-IN
Discuss feelings, needs, and concerns without distractions. Notice if your partner’s body language is telling you they need time or need to talk. Give them what they need. It may be time to process their thoughts or their day. It may be that they want you to ask them questions to help them think things through. Recognize if you make it about yourself by thinking you have to solve things, rescue, or make it about yourself. They may simply need a listening ear, or quiet to process.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abusive Opposite Response: Dismiss or ignore requests for check-ins, using distractions or excuses to avoid discussing feelings and needs, which can leave the partner feeling unimportant or neglected.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Pain-Driven Opposite Response: Avoid setting aside time for check-ins due to feeling overwhelmed by personal issues, leading to neglect of the partner’s needs and feelings, which can create distance in the relationship.
TIP 7
AVOID ASSUMPTIONS
Ask clarifying questions instead of assuming you know what your partner is thinking. Here’s some examples of clarifying questions:
-
- “Can you explain what you mean by that?”
This invites your partner to elaborate on their thoughts or feelings. - “How did that situation make you feel?”
This helps to gain insight into your partner’s emotions regarding a specific event. - “What specific part of our discussion concerns you the most?”
This allows your partner to identify and express their main worry or issue. - “Can you give me an example of what you’re talking about?”
This encourages your partner to provide concrete examples, making it easier to understand their perspective. - “What do you need from me right now?”
This question helps clarify your partner’s needs and expectations in the moment.
- “Can you explain what you mean by that?”
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abusive Opposite Response: Make unfounded assumptions about what the partner is thinking or feeling, leading to accusations or misunderstandings without seeking clarification.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Pain-Driven Opposite Response: Make assumptions about what the partner is thinking or feeling based on past experiences, leading to misunderstandings without seeking clarification, often stemming from insecurity or fear of vulnerability.
TIP 8
BE OPEN FOR FEEDBACK
Encourage and be receptive to constructive feedback for mutual growth. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Resist acting on them by this noticing and give yourself time to consider the feedback and to recognize how it made you feel.
Being open to feedback will provide you with insights as to what your partner has heard, understood, and believes.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abusive Opposite Response: React defensively to any feedback, labeling it as criticism, and retaliate by attacking the partner’s character or contributions, creating an environment of fear rather than growth.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Pain-Driven Opposite Response: Struggle to accept feedback due to sensitivity or past trauma, leading to defensive reactions or withdrawal, making it difficult to engage in productive conversations.
TIP 9
MAINTAIN RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION
Communicate respectfully, avoiding name-calling or sarcasm. If you want respect and honorable communication, give it. Be aware of facial expressions and body language.
Notice what language your partner is using. Are they truly attempting to be supportive and find solutions, or are they saying things to “gain the upper hand”? It is important to pay attention to whether this is a momentary reaction that comes from pain, or misunderstanding, or if it is habitual and a pattern that makes communication impossible. If this is a pattern, this is abuse and other considerations might need to be examined more closely.
WHEN ITS ABUSIVE
- Abusive Opposite Response: Use disrespectful language, including name-calling, insults, or sarcasm, which undermines the partner’s dignity and escalates conflict.
WHEN ITS A SYMPTOM OF PAIN
- Pain-Driven Opposite Response: Use harsh language or display frustration unintentionally when feeling hurt or overwhelmed, which may come across as disrespectful, but is often a reflection of their own pain rather than an intent to harm.
TIP 9
SHOWING GRATITUDE
Showing gratitude, even in the smallest of moments, gives honor and recognition to what was given or shown. Give what you’d like to receive – and give it often.
- Abusive Opposite Response: Withhold expressions of appreciation or acknowledgment, focusing instead on faults and shortcomings, which can lead to feelings of worthlessness in the partner.
- Pain-Driven Opposite Response: Withhold expressions of appreciation due to feeling unworthy or preoccupied with personal struggles, which can unintentionally lead the partner to feel undervalued or unrecognized.
NOTICE and ACT
General Response to Abuse
When someone displays abusive behaviors consistently and predictably that is without empathy or a desire to change, you know there’s a problem bigger than communication. Here are some things you need to know.
- Recognize the Signs: Understand the different forms of abuse—emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, and financial.
- Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who understand abusive dynamics.
- Develop a Safety Plan: If you are in an abusive situation, create a plan for safety that includes where to go and whom to contact.
- Contact Professionals: Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who specializes in abuse or domestic violence.
- Know Your Rights: Familiarize yourself with local resources and legal rights regarding domestic violence.
It’s crucial to prioritize safety and well-being. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, seeking help from professionals or local support services is essential.
General Healthy Responses
When someone displays potentially abusive behaviors due to their own pain rather than malicious intent, it’s important to approach the situation with empathy while also maintaining healthy boundaries.
- Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where both partners feel safe to express vulnerabilities without fear of judgment.
- Set Boundaries: While being empathetic, clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and how they affect you.
- Suggest Professional Help: If behaviors persist, gently recommend that they seek therapy or counseling to work through their pain and improve communication skills.
- Model Healthy Behavior: Demonstrate healthy communication and coping strategies, making it easier for them to learn from your example.
Recognizing the difference between intentional abuse and behaviors stemming from pain can facilitate more productive conversations and foster healing in the relationship.
DISCLAIMER
The content shared in this post is based on my personal experiences as a survivor of abuse and my extensive research into the dynamics of relationships affected by such circumstances. My aim is to provide insights and information that I wish I had known during my journey. However, I am not a psychologist or licensed therapist. For professional advice or support regarding personal situations involving abuse or mental health, please consult a qualified professional. Your well-being is important, and I encourage seeking help from those who can provide the appropriate guidance.
The goal of Living Stones Center is to provide information and community support for those recovering from hidden abuse. By utilizing the services of professional a Life Coach facilitating Circles Journey Groups we hope to stir a desire and curiosity to learn and grow individually, so that we may influence and heal the families and communities we live in and serve.